mumblings & grumblings...

2002-05-24T23:25:00.000-04:00

i'm wishing for better summer weather as we are starting to get a taste for it lately...
so here are my favorite spots to hang out in downtown toronto:
kensington market
the bamboo
chick 'n' deli

2002-05-22T23:11:00.000-04:00

2002-04-28T00:43:00.000-04:00

RIP Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez
how sad that not even a year after Aaliyah's death, the world is again faced with another loss of a young, talented, and vivacious soul....

the above post was from yesterday, however blogger did not have enough space to publish it....

2002-04-25T00:17:00.000-04:00

i have the worst migraine right now....bleh...i should be doing my yoga before i hit the sheets, but at the moment i feel like i'm dying, so the yoga has to wait until tomorrow morning. uuuggghhh....i'm dying....maybe it's a tumour.

i came to the conclusion that fast food is the root of this migraine. i ate wendy's tonight, practically wolfed it down because i didn't eat at work, and now the pressure is pounding my brain!! it kills, so i'm gonna cut this short and go sleep now....

2002-04-24T10:45:00.000-04:00

so i've been digital camera shopping, both online and in store...and i think i've limited my choices down to two. both are in the $800 range...how did i get to that?? i don't know....because frankly, i know i don't have the money for that. i still have to pay for school and everything, but i'll post up the two choices for you guys to check out.
here they are:

CANON PowerShot S30

&

OLYMPUS C-3020

what do you think?? Both are excellent I've heard, now i don't know which one to choose...now that i think about it, that's a lot of moola to be saving for....dammit!

2002-04-22T23:55:00.000-04:00

ahhh...it's that time again!
summer fun, summer sun, summer love (or lack of one), summer life, summer work, summer tan,....a well needed vacation!
there are so many places i would love to see in my lifetime, but most recently i've been dying to go to countries i never thought would cross my mind. I just finished watching this documentary on Balinese artists and they featured Ubud, a place in Bali that I would love to visit...it was so beautiful! The artwork was exquisite....
here's a description of the Balinese tourist lifestyle:

"Bali offers an image of paradise: stunning scenery, gentle sarong-clad people and sunsets of legendary glory. Immerse yourself in the surfing, nightlife and beach-party atmosphere, or discover Ubud's wealth of traditional arts. On peaceful Lombok life moves at a slower pace, while bustling Jakarta exhibits Indonesia's cosmopolitan, modern face."

just look at these captivating pictures:

2002-04-15T00:34:00.000-04:00

i have so much on my damn mind tonight that it's affecting my chances of studying decently.
i'm so hung up on my inevitable chance of failure in the future at which i have become an insomniac these last few weeks. it doesn't bloody help that i have finals going on right now, and having deadlines for returning acceptance letters back hovering over my head.
i'm just so exasperater right now....and this is what i turn to to release the stress of it all. call it procrastination from studying, but in all honesty, nothing is really even fuckin' sinking in.
i don't understand how some people like kim can be so focused all the time. if only i was born lucky enough to receive that kind of discipline. or even have the ability to channel great willpower. i don't have any....or none that i can successfully control anyhow.
god i have so much truth to speak....
damn pretentiousness of mine. i hate it. i'm trying to be me, but had it ever occurred to me that i may very well be a stuck-up bitch?! probably not, considering how stubborn i can be.

dammit...all this shit before the night of my english final!
derrida, lacan, barthes, baudrillard, sedgewick, butler, and austin.....what do they all have in common?!
they like to fuck up my head.
no, but really...i enjoyed this challenging course. it was damn frustrating, but it was refreshing to have a course that helped to make me realize how much i have yet to learn. so for that i'm glad that i chose it, now.......i must go read over the articles and study. atleast try to absorb some info.

2002-04-14T01:05:00.000-04:00

i sit here mesmerized by a beautiful voice.
it is eva cassidy. she was so splendid in her craft.
i particularly love:

"fields of gold" and "what a wonderful world"
they are my favorite songs to unwind to when i feel restless and down. she has that dynamic and beautiful voice that you never forget.

another one of my favorite songs is:

"the lady in red" by chris de burgh.
that song is so sensual....along of course with miss sade adu.
i'm just so in love with music tonight. a great way to relax after cramming all day and helping jen with her essay.

when i'm old and gray...and sitting on my rocker on my front porch, i wish for my husband to play those songs for me and take my hand to dance....
nothing is more serene and beautiful than a wonderful marriage full of love in old age....i pray for that one day.

2002-04-12T03:02:00.000-04:00

2:52am-- my heart is aching....
i want to see him, be with him, feel him...have his eyes follow me and know that i'm there.
i played "kiss of life" repeatedly last night before i fell asleep...it was so beautiful, it was the last thing i heard before i dozed off....
it made me feel safe in my bed as i dreamed of him and what could be.

my only dilema...when i speak of him, i'm ultimately speaking of one person....however,
i'm caught between two wonderful people, or so i think they are wonderful...i barely know them, but i think i know them enough.

i'm just infatuated...deeply infatuated

2002-04-11T01:28:00.000-04:00

wow...haven't been on this blog in awhile...

*sigh* tomorrow is my first final, and i'm going to pay majorly since i know i haven't studied as much as i would've liked to...my mind has been preoccupied with some random thoughts...

i think i'm in love....
i think i'm in love with love....
in love with the idea that this person could possibly love me back....

with that being said i leave you with a truly beautiful song and songstress:

sade - "kiss of life"
my newfound sonic inspiration....

2002-04-03T22:58:00.000-05:00

i'm so not in the mood to discuss what's the matter with me today...one minute i'm crying, the next i'm witty....and NO it's not that time of the month!!

i just feel like getting away from it all....

2002-04-02T20:18:00.000-05:00

oh dear god....
i think i'm dying....
i either have food poisoning or i have a major ulcer....it's probably not the latter, but shit....why does it feel like my stomache has a bloody hole in it?!!? every single damn thing i eat kills my tummy!!!!

if anyone knows, please tell me the symptoms of an ulcer...ugggh.....

help me, help me!!

2002-04-01T18:04:00.000-05:00

feeling rather sluggish today...bleh...it's a monday, pretty much explains everything.

so i'm riding home on the bus from school and bear with me, but that has got to be the only place where i can have clarity...funny? yes it is, but seriously it helps me. it's peaceful for me, and it's a GO bus that i ride, not the regular public transportation you might be thinking of, so it's a lot more comfy, almost like greyhound.
anyhow, it totally eases my mind after a long day at school...and it so often gives me so much more insight. watching the cars zip by and the rest of the city just somehow inspires me to a weird extent. i feel so much more calmer, and it puts so many things in perspective. here in my room i get that same feeling....where i know everything is in its right place....everything just feels so right.

i get this insight that i never usually do and then it helps that i get to bring it home with me. mind you i might seem a little pensive, but gosh...it makes me feel safe knowing that i can tackle anything.

this week is bound to be extremely stressful, but i know i'll make it. afterall .... everything that i'm striving for right now is all going to pay off for myself later...i have that much faith. i'm so inspired lately...and from what? i have no clue. all i know is that i'm going to make it, and if by any reason i don't achieve my goals, fate had it planned that way, and i will get it right until fate deals me the right cards.

2002-03-31T23:11:00.000-05:00

why the fuck did i put that up yesterday?!? holy....boredom huh??
anyway, today i'm feeling good...and it's 11:04 right now...why so chummy at this time?? beats me...but dammit if i'm gonna go to bed now. i'm rocking the tunes and spewing my thoughts with clairty tonight.
oh yeah...happy easter by the way....bleh....this was my day:

went to church

grabbed chinese with mums

went home

ate

watched tv

checked email

slept

woke up

checked email again

now i'm on this

so yeah...fascinating day, huh??
oh yeah!! go play this game! it's the funniest shit....
CLICK

2002-03-30T19:13:00.000-05:00

2002-03-29T13:12:00.000-05:00

so today is good friday.
i hope to get to go to church later tonight, i haven't gone in awhile...i feel bad for choosing work over church on sundays, sometimes not even work...just laziness.

so that means no meat...well technically, there shouldn't of been any eat meating for the past few weeks....ouch, that totally excludes me. i'm catholic, but i'm not devout, which is pretty sad because i consider myself religious, but i don't necessarily follow the guidelines. so does that make me a bad catholic?! i don't think so...i'm still very faithful....just on my own terms. i'm so spiritual...and i believe there is one father.
i hope that everyone has a blessed easter, despite the religious boundaries in the world right now.

bless the people in palestine, israel, afghanistan, the philippines, africa, colombia, and anywhere else the world may be needing some peace.....
i just cannot concieve how a sixteen-year-old girl can have that strong of a mentality to blow herself up and harm others....
help us all.

peace everyone.

click HERE

2002-03-28T11:42:00.000-05:00

fuck! i'm screwed today...i was supposed to go to the reference library yesterday, but i opted to stay home and relax. now i realize that today is my only day to go, being that friday is good friday, and my dumbass forgot!! it's about lunch time, but i already have my day planned out....i'm so screwed. but i keep thinking that next week i'll have time, when really i won't.

i think i'm gonna stay home and work on the essay now. just using citations from the course book. aye yi yi!! wish me luck!!

1:38pm-- so i finished my little web album. care to take a look? HERE

so i've been listening to a lot of hip hop jams as of late, and i've come to the conclusion that i have to hear these songs at a club:

mary j. blige - "real love" (remix)

missy elliot - "for my people"

angie stone - "everyday" (neptunes remix)

snoop dogg - "lay low"

notorius BIG - "one more chance"

notorius BIG - "going back to cali"

rob base & DJ EZ Rock - "it takes two"

young mc - "bust a move"

mos def - "ms phat booty"

slum village - "climax"
**non-hip hop tracks

groove armada - "superstylin"

mick jagger - "god gave me everything"

prince - "erotic city"

madonna - "holiday"

2002-03-27T20:02:00.000-05:00

8:00pm-- why oh why are my parents fighting again? =(
really....it's disappointing when i stop and think about a day when my parents haven't fought.
so does that mean i have issues from growing up in a messed-up household?! you bet...but they're issues i deal with day in and day out....they make me ME, and i'm oh so fine with that...if i didn't have them, then my ass wouldn't have an opinion about everything.
i rolled with them all 19 years of my existence...
my nerves have been rubbed raw, but i persevere...

so much has been on my mind lately. i can't stand to see women who hang back and be subordinated by their men. it just makes me sick. call me an ultra-feminist, but dammit if i'm just going to sit back and let some guy tell me what to think. i have a friggin mind of my own. i'm loving my feminist courses, so be it, if that's what gets me.
i hate the way that chicks get so whipped by their significant others. the fact that they become so oblivious to the slowly disipitating of their personalities just so that they can be reassured by some false words of loyalty.
i can't stand any gullible and repressed female---> they totally repulse and insult the entire female gender. HAVE A MIND AND SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!

by the way...that's a generated me courtesy of www.stor.co.uk
go make one of yourself!

2002-03-27T11:52:00.000-05:00

i want to feel love...
i want to feel your love....
i want to feel you love me....
i want to love you....

jaguar wright - "love, need, & want you"
*if my heart could speak...it would say say exactly those lyrics

2002-03-26T15:58:00.000-05:00

click HERE

2002-03-26T02:57:00.000-05:00

my teeth hurt!! ouch...the ones in the back, around the area where i had my back wisdom teeth pulled out 2 months ago....
it never usually aches like this, i wonder what the hell is wrong.

anyhow, i just finished writing out my presentation report for tomorrow. god, i'm nervous as hell. i wish i was a natural born public speaker, that way i would never blush crazily to the point where my ears turn a bright red!! and where i stumble all over my words like a child. oh man, just thinking about it is making me nervous. aye yi yi...

maxwell has such a sweet voice....i could listen to "lifetime over and over....just push repeat. it doesn't hurt that he's handsome too ;)

i'm tired, yet after working on this presentation i've been so awake, it was so interesting to me that i actually got into it, i'm just worried i'll come off looking like i don't know what the hell i'm talking about!! oh man....

wish me luck!

2002-03-25T17:03:00.000-05:00

hahaha...so i'm double mint gum now, huh?? i love those little quizzes, although i'm pretty sure that they aren't accurate in representing who you really are, just cute fun.

anyway, i have yet to work on so much stuff for my presentation tomorrow. i'm so stressed, and i've been trying so hard not to get this way for the longest time...but right now i'm so looking forward to just relaxing and having a break...which will be in about 2 weeks!! 2 FREAKIN' WEEKS!!!! OMG...school went by soooooo fast...and it's not a year i'm too proud of...not even the slightest bit! ugh...i'm so disappointed in myself...

2002-03-23T10:04:00.000-05:00

i haven't been feeling pretty philosophical lately...or even the slightest bit sentimental, but rather i've been feeling sluggish and quite moody in the bad sense. i don't know why. could it be the stress from school and the amount of work i have to catch up on?? gosh...there's only about 2 weeks left of school and then it's exam time. I just have to get my butt moving on this last essay that's worth 40% of my mark. that's scary....

anyhow, i gotta go to work today...ugh...i hate it....time to hear jax's story about why she and jay broke up...awwww.....

10:55-- I really should be doing my project right now, but i can't seem to get myself to do it...i'm just so lazy tonight.
i tried dying my hair last night, but my damn hair is just so dark that i couldn't bare to bleach it, so the beautiful burgundy that i picked out only highlighted my hair so that you can only see it in the light. ughhh...i hate that!! why does my hair have to be so black for?!?!

anyhow...i keep thinking about this guy, and i don't know what it is about him, but he just seems to keep invading my thoughts...all the freakin' time...
i think about stupid things too...like how he takes his coffee, what movies he likes, would he like this movie?, does he like to go to malls and shop?, JUST STUPID RANDOM questions...GOD!!! somebody stop me...
oh and i saw BLADE 2 last night...it was alright, not exactly a movie i'd look forward to watching, just a movie my brother dragged me to watch with jen.
the fight scenes were rather well choreographed. i'm too violent to be a girl...i enjoy watching fight scenes. makes me a special girl though. =)

2002-03-22T00:35:00.000-05:00

omg how i would love to be one of macy gray's funky backup singers!!! they are so cool...
but dammit, if i only i could sing...hahaha
i'm just watching the MTV ICON for Janet Jackson. she's dope man...i always wanted to be her when i was younger. and to think that she'll be 40 soon...dang, i wish i'd look like that....those abs man, woooo!!!

okay, so i got my hair cut tonight. god only knows that i needed one desperately. it was getting nasty without a trim since the summer. it's alright...i just have to let it grow out a bit, then it'll be all good.

2002-03-20T23:50:00.000-05:00

11:47pm-- so i'm back home from work now, and i have to finish up this humanities paper and hand it in tomorrow morning. i'm so tired, but i'm so determined to get this over and done with. this is how tired i am...my ears are burning red right now, don't ask...i just get like that!

anyway, i guess i'll be pulling an allnighter, and dammit!! my stupid english partner is such an ass for bailing on me tonight!! stupid shithead...okay, i'm out....

2002-03-20T13:27:00.000-05:00

i don't know if i could make it today....
i have to go to work in about 3 hours with a maximum of 3 hours sleep last night. tonight when i get home i will have to write up a 6 page essay and a 2 page log. the log itself is such a pain since the article for it is too long.
i'm feeling pretty paranoid, yeah...consider me a hyperchondriac, but damn!!! it was sooooo cold today!!! and so damp too. yuck!! i hate it when it rains that crappy light sprinkling. i prefer the actual hard rain against my window at night...it's soothing.
so now i'm debating whether i should take a [quick] nap or do the log...the log i have mostly done since i was doing it on the bus ride home...but aaaahhhhh.....i can't decide. i'm falling asleep as i type this out right now....somebody help me!!

3:47-- hahaha....
so i took a brief, very brief little nap, more like a 30 minute shut eye and then i finished off my log. WIPPEEE!! that means less work for me to do tonight when i get home so that i can focus on my essay and be done! woo hoo....finally, so now i'm off to go to work.

2002-03-20T01:52:00.000-05:00

1:50am-- i've been having some erratic thoughts right now....quite possibly due to how late i am posting this, but this will fbe or future reference when i want to look back and remember my thoughts of the moment...

i have my life, and you have yours....
i wanna live my life completely and indefinitely without you crossing my mind
let me live a life worth living knowing that you were once a part of it,
and never again shall i ever cease to want to relive that past life.

let me grow....for i have outgrown you
let me see....for i see you but merely a walking shadow that chooses to linger in the depths,
the depths of what frail life i exist within.

speak what you try to preach,
but know that i speak the truth....
forever so true and real, all that is me
the truth that you wish to contradict...
i am no better than you,
but know that i shall always outsmart what you perceive to be "original"

your attempts to be so perfect evokes pity....
forgive my harshness, but you can't fool yourself.

you cross my heart, but forever will be a lingering trace
of a memory of what i used to be.

2002-03-19T19:55:00.000-05:00
hi everybody...

i don't know what it is today, but something has made me feel so refreshed about life...i can't seem to explain what it is! perhaps it has something to do with my theory paper that i got back today which i slaved over last monday. i stayed up all night to write that paper thinking that it was so poorly done and not even worth handing in. i had never felt so disappointed in myself for doing such a horrible last minute job. i tried so hard despite being a last minute thing, i even went to the reference library to get some research done in hopes of making myself feel responsible.
now as i got it back a week later, 9 pages and all.....i get an A!!!!! OMG!!! i was so shocked! i walked out of class in disbelief, smiling shamelessly and talking my butt off with kim. i just could not believe that after 19 years of my life that i could get away with something like that in university. it was worth 20% of my final mark....god only knows that i need the marks in that class....and it's for a literature and theory class!!!

Anyway, this brought on a whole new spectrum to my wheel of life. i realized on the bus ride home that i was so sick of doing a half-ass job of anything in life. all throughout highschool i never did anything all the way...always just mediocore, never giving it my best. i was always content with "just getting by", never believing that i could have the potential to give my best and that there was always time to prove myself later on in life.
But now i asked myself if i have it in me....and i came to the conclusion that everyone has the potential for greatness, it all depends on how one channels it. i've always let my laziness and low self-esteem get the best of me. it seemed so cliché to think: "what's the point in doing anything if it isn't your best?" and for once in my life IT RANG SO TRUE.
i'm tired of just getting by. life is a lease to us....why settle for anything that isn't your best? why should i let a talent of mine be critiqued as not challenging enough? i want to live everything to my best potential...not something that's half-ass anything.

i knew that something was happening to me....and i knew that change is inevitable.
something was calling to me all those weeks, and to have it all be emancipated after 19 years of existence is truly a blessing.
i just feel so sure right now, so sure of who i can be, who i am in this moment...and i'm not naive to think that this is something permanent, because i know there will be times when everything can be turned upside down again, those feelings of insecurity will come back...but for the moment, i just want to relish the feeling of knowing that i am capable of something this satisfying and important in my life.
i don't feel like a child anymore....i know that life is waiting for me.

i've come to realize it was my inner soul....my soul has awakened to come into its own. =)

2002-03-18T13:07:00.000-05:00
been listening to a lot of rap and hip hop lately....it used to be the only genre i listened to, but then my mind was introduced to all the other amazing genres out there....
I can't even begin to tell you how much of a music junkie i am!! i love ALL music. all artists have something great to offer....not only is music a universally unifying, but it's so good for the soul. nothing makes me feel better than listening to a soothing track, or an upbeat one to get me moving.

oh man!!! now i'm in the mood for some old skool tracks....here they are:
young mc - "bust a move"
soul II soul - "back to life"
pm dawn - "set adrift on memory bliss"
biz markie - "just a friend"
arrested development - "mr. wendel"
bel biv devoe - "poison"
lidell townsell - "nunu"
tony toni tone - "if i had no loot"
rob base & dj ez rock - "it takes two"

*i'm loving the early/middle/late 80's and early 90's right now....

2002-03-17T00:32:00.000-05:00
i treated myself to a mini shopping spree after work today and i must say...i still feel so financially balanced with myself!! could i be any prouder?! and i got some really great stuff...and great makeup tips from the chick @ the MAC stand.
I also found out that the local department store carries CARGO cosmetics...woo hoo...finally!!

2002-03-16T02:04:00.000-05:00
wow....i didn't even realize how late it is! i've just been checking out some of my emails and responding to faraway friends.
anyway, for the past few days if you haven't already noticed, i've been so overwhelmed with this new emotion....i don't even know how to describe it...it's almost like this overwhelming desire to be a totally different person.
sometimes maybe that that's what i need in my life....to be happy and make amends with myself. it is so true what others say about being your worst enemy...i know i am. i'm constantly fighting myself everyday to do what's right for me, and yet i still make mistakes. this is a whole new revelation to me...just when you thought you were getting to know who you were, you find a totally new spectrum to the wheel.

i'm content with what is coming over me because i know that it will ultimately lead me to a more fulfilled life. i'm just coping with having to expand my thoughts and becoming more subjective to a bigger world that's out there....and i'm so ready to take it on, i think...

i want to live my life with an open mind and an open heart...i don't want to have to go thru life expecting the worst of people....that's not the way to live a complete and happy life.
i want to go on living knowing that dreams can come true.....and they will, because if i believe .....then i will always be inspired.

2002-03-14T22:05:00.000-05:00
9:58pm--- songs in high rotation
cesaria evora - "besame mucho"
diana krall - "tears of stone" & "love is where you are"
norah jones - "come away with me"
alejandro sanz - "quisiera ser"
cesaria evora e marisa monteo - "é doce morrer no mar"
joni mitchell - "a case of you"

2002-03-14T21:15:00.000-05:00
felt pretty melancholy today....more so during the later part of the day. and for what reason? i don't know....just a whole bunch of mixed emotions getting the better of me. it's okay, i'll get over whatever it is that's been bugging me. my own little personal reasons =(

i want to emphasize the importance of living your dreams....to constantly be inspired and to never give up hope....
i'm hoping for so much right now, and perhaps, just maybe it could be too much for me. is my overwhelming desire for this certain something making me so helpless??

i want to believe that something and someone good is out there for me...it's all a matter of time....and perhaps luck.
all about karma.

i'm tired of disappointment....i want to close my eyes and wake to a new dream.

2002-03-13T13:45:00.000-05:00

the weather is so beautiful today. i always want to feel this peaceful and beautiful and i always want to see the world this beautifully. the bus ride home was nice, although i sat across from this girl who looked to be no older than 17, and she had 2 infants. one looked to be atleast 4 years old, and then she had a one year old. initially i was shocked, but she is obviously dealing with her responsibilities. the little boy was well mannered and very precocious too, very cute!
i had the intentions of going home today and sleeping the rest of the day until evening to start my essay...but after basking in the sunlight, i realized that i don't want to sleep away the day...or any minute right now, now that i feel i can be so focused.

everything today has made me feel so alive....from the conversation i was having with jen about her birthday and engagement....*sigh* everything is in place and it feels so right. i love this weather and i hope to live my life with this wonderment i've been walking around with. i want to feel at peace when i look at the world, despite all the recent attacks on humanity, knowing that there is a tomorrow is what we should not take for granted. although for some whose lives are not as pristing at the moment....my heart goes out to them. but for us....the lucky ones, i want to share with you the joy of my day today.

to feel this kind of peace is so relaxing to me....it is such a wonderful day....
i am hopeful....and hope is going to be my inspiration.

2002-03-12T13:54:00.000-05:00
i'm so inspired by this woman...."The Barefoot Diva" with a voice that can melt your soul....

her name is cesaria evora. she is known as the "Queen of Morna", a slow and rhythmic song-form expressing nostalgia, love, sadness and longing. it is a mixture of african, portugese, and french creole and it sounds so beautiful....haunting, yet sweet.

*"This voice that penetrates our very souls is the voice of Cesaria, as she dissects the 'morna', the piercing melodies of Cape Verde, the blues version of the Portuguese 'fado', where the guitar and the violin are very much to the fore."

10:50pm--- today is my lucky day!! i received my raspberry set from ann in texas, and i also got my victoria's secret stuff too!!! that makes it 4 lotions today!!
i'm in heaven...and tomorrow i should be getting my stila rose convertible colour....man oh man....

2002-03-11T09:30:00.000-05:00
fresh from the shower and i'm ready to take on the day!!
i acutally woke up to the WTC 9/11 MEMORIAL CEREMONY which marked the 6 month anniversary of the tragic attacks on tv, and i have to say that it was just too touching. myself being a proud Canadian, i couldn't help but feel emotional. it wasn't just a tragic attack on one nation, but rather on all humanity.
how could one not help but feel touched?
may all those who lost their lives rest in peace, and for the families who lost someone they loved, come together in peace and cherish their memory.

i have striving plans to make full use of my time today as i go the reference library and truly get some work done!! i made a promise with myself this morning as i was waking up.... to really try hard, there was nothing more inspirational than watching that ceremony on tv.

wish me luck!

6:40pm-- okay, so i'm back home now, i got home at around 4:30, and i've been eating like crazy. holy, i'm gonna blow up like a blimp after eating all this junk food....i haven't had twinkies in so long, and i just had about 2! and i probably had about 4 yesterday! HAHAHA....ahhh....the pleasures of JUNK food!
so i think i should start that theory paper of mine now. surprisingly i got quite a lot of info at the reference library...i was really into reading what theories jean baudrillard has. he's quite a fascinating man. but now that i'm home, i'm so distracted, but there's no way i could actually be in a library without a computer to type out my essay. weird how i'm so focused, but so dependant on a stupid computer.

anyway...off to start typing

11:58pm-- OMG!!! i need to get off!!!! GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF!!! shit....
atleast i have my outline which is way better than anything else i have....atleast i'll be connected and organized, now all i have to worry about is putting everything together and making it sound decent! crap....i hate this part.

i'm having some sort of withdrawl....won't inform you, but yeah....too much daydreaming

p.s----> i got my stila petal lip shine in the mail today!!! woo hoooo.....kay, bye!!

2002-03-10T11:29:00.000-05:00
fatigued and puffy eyes.

essay stressing, dill pickle chips eating, watching the 2002 brit awards, rewinding sex in the city tape, cleaning the hamster's cage, lounging around in bed, finding things to do to keep from doing the essay------this is my mood today.

more to come...

4:41 pm-- dammit!! jean baudrillard and jacques derrida GIVE ME A BREAK!! shit....i can't seem to get myself to do this essay!! anyone know anything about them?? about hyperrealism?? simulation & simulacra?! help.... I've resorted to watching THE MATRIX ....again!
anyhow, here is my COLORGENICS reading: click HERE

8:57pm-- Still haven't started....actually i have a line, but nothing significant to it.... OMG!!!! i can't stand this....this is some major case of writer's block i've ever had!!

11:22pm--okay, just had to add this...and yes i am working on my essay!!
**aside from my problems, i just caught the last 5 minutes of that 9/11 special and if there's anything that should make me motivated, it should've been that!! just a glimpse of that special and my mentallity went for a spin! seeing those images still leaves me speechless....as does for everyone else.

i'm at this point in my life when i should be feeling like everything is falling into place, but i guess there are those times when you have to question EVERYTHING....and that's what i'm doing. is this what happens to all 19 year olds? there's no doubt in my mind that this restlessness evades all people of all ages, but call me inquisitive, this is a frequent thing for me. i can never be too empty of questions. i guess it's a good thing, coz i'll never be content with regularity...i'm embracing change.

2002-03-09T19:48:00.000-05:00
dammit! i lost a stinkin' bid on ebay today! aaaaarrrggghh....i've been waiting around for that auction for 3 days now! i had to go to work, so i posted a maximum bid, and i still lost.

10:52 pm-- AAAARRRGGGGH!!! AGAIN i lost to another stupid bid!! that's it!! i give up....no more bidding before i throw my computer....
anyhow, i opted to stay in tonight, despite the incessant calls of my friends who insist on getting me out of the house. sorry guys, my essay calls for me! oh man....i hate knowing that there's an essay waiting for me to write...dammit!!

2002-03-09T00:08:00.000-05:00

i've been going BATH & BODY WORKS and VICTORIA'S SECRET crazy with their lotions and sprays!! i want them all!!! for this one fact alone, i hate living in canada where these shops are not available. i have to rely on friends who go to the states much more often than i, or on ebay to get these products...bleh...too much for me, and bath & body works doesn't even have a website, because if they did, then it wouldn't be so bad. atleast i was able to order victoria's secret stuff online.

now all i have to do is wait for this stuff to come....i hate waiting....call me spoiled or impatient, but it sucks having to wait for something you are so anxious for.

anyway, i should've got a lot more stuff done today since it's my day off, so instead i'm sitting here watching SEX & THE CITY. ahhh...i love this show!! and then right after it is THE REAL SEX & THE CITY that show is cool too....too bad i have to wait for fridays for this show to air and @ midnight too! it's worth it though...

2002-03-07T22:00:00.000-05:00

i'm feeling so feverish tonight...*frown* i hate being sick, it makes me so restless.
my plans for tomorrow is to go to the reference library to get this dumb essay done and over with already. i've been procrastinating for far too long!! gosh, i really have to get my butt moving on all this work i have. so my weekend is pretty much shot, considering that i have work on saturday for the whole day from open to close, and then i have just sunday to touch up my essay and make sure that it's perfect! and i was really looking forward to meeting manny. who knows if we might click....oh man, i don't want to jinx anything!

by the way...go listen to:
GABRIELLE- "Don't Need The Sun To Shine"
it's my favorite song right now....it makes me happy =)

2002-03-05T21:12:00.000-05:00
her voice is so beautiful. a great way to unwind from a hectic day. from the first time i saw her video as a child (the "smooth operator" video) i have been a fan!! i initially thought of that video as forbidden since it was so sensual. she's so amazing....

anyway, this week will be one crazy week!! i have essays coming out of my ass and on top of that i have to work tomorrow night and the whole day saturday which greatly cuts my time. i need all the time i can get!! 2 major essay are due next week, and i haven't started either. oh gosh....
as far as me doing okay now, i think i'm alright for the mean time....i'm slowly easing my way into being someone i can deal with. it's a one day at a time issue, and i vow to not let the little things get in the way of my focus.
day by day i'm feeling better and stronger, constantly not allowing myself to get bogged down and let it get the best of me. this is my life after all, and not of those who wish to run it.
i just long to be truly happy again....the kind of happy where the little things would make me smile, when i would be my bubbly cheerful self. and i'm not talking about being in love....that time for me hasn't come yet.

my COLORGENICS reading : click HERE

2002-03-02T01:00:00.000-05:00
*TONIGHT'S ENTRY IS IN REFERENCE TO THE ENTRY POSTED ON FEB 19TH:

tonight i've probably had the most refreshing and reasurring night in the longest time. all those weeks of keeping everything in, and not letting it out and finally i've had the chance to spew and cry, rant, everything.....just this calm feeling of release.
bev will always be by my side. she's the best i could ever ask for in a friend. i have no need to hide anything. spiritually we're connected and i thank god that she was given to me.

i hope that tonight i will have that peaceful sleep that i've been longing for...i feel better than i have for the longest while. i needed to just let go and not hesitate to care what anyone else thought of my thoughts.
now it's just back to taking it all in stride and one day at a time....and now the only difference is that i know where i'm going, and i know not to try and force everything to happen all at once. ONE AT A TIME is what matters, so that i can get it together....

letting go and living my life the way i want to....this is the new me.

joni mitchell and eva cassidy are so beautiful to listen to =)

2002-02-28T12:46:00.000-05:00
i tried to stay up last night and write in my journal, but unfortunately i fell asleep. so today i am again going to skip school, and as much as i try to get my ass to go, i always falter....and faltering is an everyday thing for me now....

i was discussing my situation with jax yesterday and i've come up with new goals, but i have this inkling doubt that i won't be able to keep them. see....this is what's become of me. i have such a cynical outlook, it totally disgusts me.
i'm disgusted with myself completely these days...

anyway, i have this urge to go lie in bed and just stare at the ceiling and think some more...

2002-02-27T13:30:00.000-05:00
apolo was great on leno last night. not much airtime since jon stewart hogged it all. and all the chicks in the audience were screaming their heads off!! my gosh....

but anyhow, tonight's the grammy's and i hope that nelly furtado wins atleast one!! i love her music. but best of all, she's canadian!!
this sucks how i have to resort to taping everything. i'll be at work when they start, so i have to set the timer for this one. and i wanna watch "leap of faith" the new comedy, but again, i gotta go set the other timer. hahaha

2002-02-26T21:14:00.000-05:00
i'm soooooo EXCITED!! apolo's gonna be on LENO in about two hours. can't hardly wait...oh yeah, and that movie is on too: CAN'T HARDLY WAIT with jennifer love hewitt. i'm watching it right now.

oh yeah!! and i finally got that magazine i've been searching allllllllll over for....the FEB 4th SPORTS ILLUSTRATED with apolo on the cover. it's so good with a great article of him. my brother calls me totally affixated, super affixated on him....which i can't hide any longer. but anyway....

now i'm just anxiously awaiting my bath & body works stuff, and my 2nd stila convertible colour to come. those will definitely be a pick me up when i get them.

2002-02-25T15:02:00.000-05:00
LOOK AT WHAT I SAW AT THE MALL!!!

i want a pair!!

CLICK HERE!

2002-02-25T09:45:00.000-05:00

early morning...and i'm getting ready to go to school. i hate monday mornings...

and i think i'm suffering from olympic games withdrawl.....already.....and yet the closing ceremonies were so beautiful!! they put so much into the ceremony to make it so memorable. all the pyrotechnics, the performances, the dancing, the skating, the music....the colour, the lights, EVERYTHING!!
i've never seen such a regal and festive party!! everything about the olympics, whether it be summer or winter, it's always so fun and festive.
i wish i was there....one day i'll make it to an olympic event...of course to be a spectator!! hahaha yeah right!

*gasp* apolo's on leno tomorrow night!! woo hoo...

my colorgenics reading again: CLICK

2002-02-24T12:23:00.000-05:00
oh man....what a night last night!! today is the big day for us canadians and americans....OLYMPIC HOCKEY is so infectious!! i rarely ever watch hockey, but this has got to be the most exciting match up yet.
so now comes my daily report on apolo anton ohno. he lost both of his medals last night as he was disqualified for impedding Japan's Satoro Terau in the semifinals and then his relay team came last. but the good news is that CANADA won 4 medals yesterday. 2 golds, 1 silver, and 1 bronze. woo hoo!! what a way to go for MARC GAGNON, CLARA HUGHES, & JONATHAN GUILMETTE!! so now he has 5 olympic medals in his whole career.

i was so proud and happy watching last night.
it seems everybody loved CANADA, the koreans and italians were few of the first to congratulate us!! too bad for the americans, but hey rusty smith won his bronze while we won 1 and 2. great sport short track is. i am officially a fan.

what more can i say?!?! i have never been more prouder to be canadian. CANADA & CANADIANS ROCKS!! and the GOLD IS OURS! woo hoo! this by far was the most exciting game ever!!

farewell to the 2002 WINTER OLYMPICS....

2002-02-23T21:07:00.000-05:00
today i got my "CAMELLIA" stila convertible colour!! it's so nice! i'm so happy, but yet a bit disappointed that it's a bit small. but what am i expecting since it works so well.

i was supposed to go out with the girlies tonight since it's heather's last night here, then she's off back to brock. however they want to go clubbing and i'm just not feeling it tonight. so now i'm just gonna be content staying home and watching apolo win gold, ( i hope!! ) i haven't gone out in the last 3 weeks. i've totally devoted my nights and free time to the television for all this olympic coverage. really....i've got some olympic fever. i just love the winter olympics. it only happens every 4 years!!!

anyway, gotta go eat something, my stomache's aching...be right back

2002-02-22T12:55:00.000-05:00
i got my rosebud salve in the mail today!! woo hoo!! that was pretty fast service considering my brother and i just ordered it late last week. i'm super happy now, especially since i'll also be getting my bath & body works products soon. this is such a great month, well.......sorta....

anyway, more later...i'm just too excited with the lip balm. and it's much bigger than i anticipated.

2002-02-21T13:06:00.000-05:00
how amazing was that race last night?!?! omg...i can't believe they made a call like that! but i'm telling you, that korean skater was just asking for it when he totally cross tracked apolo. YAY!! finally....apolo truly deserves it, he's so incredibly good at his craft. his life story is just so incredible. what i like most is the relationship he has with his father. i'm just so excited to see him have a chance at winning 2 more medals on saturday!!

anyway i have to go to school today for about an hour's worth of a class...yeah, again!! but atleast i'll getting a ride home from b.
then on saturday i gotta go to work, but that day i'll also be getting my first stila convertible colour!! ya ya!! i'm excited!!

check out my colorgenics.com reading for today: click

more later...

2002-02-20T14:26:00.000-05:00
i have dreaded work tonight. aggghhh.....i hate it!! class ended really early today and it's always been such a waste that i had to go all the way there for an hour and a half class, it's just not worth it.

reflecting on the entry from yesterday has gotten me thinking even more so than usual. on the bus ride home, as much as i wanted to sleep i just could not stop thinking and planning. i wrote a whole list of things i have yet to do, stuff i need to do. the prospects are so intimidating because i feel so overwhelmed, but i know it will all work out. i guess i'm just feeling extremely hopefull, but nothing's wrong with that.

i'll write more later, i gotta go get ready.

oh yeah, apolo's gonna be skating tonight, so i gotta go tape that!! hehehe

2002-02-19T17:24:00.000-05:00

i find it so odd that i could find comfort in such things as this disease where i can spill my grief into technology, but whatever will hear me out is fine by me.
i have always made it a point to live my life never passing up opportunities and by listening to my heart. but lately it`s been so difficult to differentiate what`s been on my mind and my heart. there is a certain quotation i will share that makes so much sense to me.
"LIFE IS NOT LEARNING THE MEANING OF IT, RATHER IT IS LIVING IT" ---i can`t recall who said that or where i read it, but it is so true.

i have a lot of truth to speak, so just listen

it seems like i keep drifting into this world where my aspirations are like clouds rolling in the sky. they keep moving farther and farther away, but stay long enough for you to catch a glimpse of. it`s like that game you would play as a child and you would try and guess what animal that cloud represented, and you would just make something up that seemed close to it. that`s how i`m feeling. i have these dreams for my life and i mold them into this fantasy world i create, but am never positive how to go about achieving them.
only months ago i felt so sure of myself and what direction my life was taking, but now it`s as if everything was just a game. now i`m sitting here, cutting school, wasting my thousands on a university education i wish not to pursue anymore and realizing that i`m not happy trying to please others, but i`m desperate to find myself. i`m trying to deal with the hand that life has given to me...it`s not easy and life is truly limited.

falling in and out of this dark pit, feeling completely lost and restless is not unfamiliar territory to me, but rather who is depicted on the outside is always a facade. everything is always a facade of some sort. i don`t think of myself as some cynical person nor am i pretentious, but what`s left in this stumbling soul?
enduring years of constant lecturing from parents who refuse to understand, support, sympathize with a daughter who only has good intentions for a better life has left me feeling very much an introvert.

i need so much more in life. i need love. i need support. i need assurance. i need understanding and patience. i need faith in myself. i need direction. i need aspirations and inspirations. i need to find the release that will set me free....

for the past few months my life has been this wayward scale of excitement and inspiration, but recently it`s been nothing more than a wilting flower....
i need to re-evaluate all those things in my life that needs to be cut off which is causing me from not achieving what is rightfully mine. may they be internal struggles, certain people, family, whatever, i know i just need to get away for awhile and find myself. my passion for life never was this futile, i have to de-clutter my life and get my act together. i can`t just push my hopes further into the pit....i refuse to be stifled.
the next step is up to me....i tell myself "a day at a time" and everything will come into place, but the hardest part is knowing where to start.

the next step is totally up to me.....i am the sole dealer of this hand, and i think i`ll set down my best hand.

COLORGENICS
now go read this
HOW EERIE!!

2002-02-18T23:25:00.000-05:00
not much to say today except for the fact that i really enjoyed all my classes today. from the moment i woke up, i knew i was going to have one of those great days! my classes were actually interesting considering the fact that for one of them i got to watch "LIKE WATER FOR CHOCOLATE". a foreign movie which i love. i have yet to read the book though.

as well i officially now own 2 of those STILA convertible colour compacts!! WOO HOO!! life is just beautiful for me right now! hahaha

what a day, what a day....

2002-02-18T00:44:00.000-05:00
it's pretty late tonight, and since i've been so used to sleeping late and sleeping in, i'm afraid i'll be late for my first day back to class tomorrow. damn, and i have a 8:30 class tomorrow!
anyway, i'm dying to buy one of these--- convertible colour compact from stila. however, being in canada where the exchange rate is so bloody high, i have to put up with such high prices @ holt renfrew. i guess i won't be getting one of these anytime soon. *sigh*

these are the times when i wish i lived in the states....mainly just for the shopping. HAHAHA =)

2002-02-17T19:29:00.000-05:00
humble beginnings for this new blog of mine.
i'm deliriously happy watching the olympics.
it is official, my reading week is now done. no more late nights, vegging out in front of the t.v. each and everyday, and most importantly this means not being able to sleep in!!
i've been so drained from work and school prior to this tiny vacation, and now it's back to working my ass off to keep up.
right now i'm watching COMING TO AMERICA. this is the funniest 80's flick....funny how i was craving to watch it a few weeks ago and now it's on tv.

rather disappointing for apolo anton ohno. i was totally rooting for him to take the gold, but oh well, he has 3 other events to go.